You know how when you start eating less, after a while, your stomach stops needing more food. Your body finds it harder to process the food that you’ve stopped eating. Same way, if you are not in a habit of listening to people, after a while, it will affect your ability to hear. Let that sink in!
Listening is different from hearing. Hearing means that you have the ability to hear, because you have ears that thankfully work and you are capable of hearing the birds, the rain, the baby crying, the kids playing, a married couple arguing, you get the picture. You hear things even when you might not want to, simply because of your ability to hear, which is one of the 6 senses.
However, listening is about choice. It is about whether you care to use your sense of hearing.
A few examples, “I can hear the married couple arguing, but I can’t listen to what they are saying.”
“I heard my teacher explain this before, but I don’t remember because I wasn’t really listening.”
I know what you’re thinking, you didn’t come here for a lesson in vocabulary, but it’s important to understand the difference between the two, because a lot of people use the two words interchangeably.
It is extremely important to work on having better listening skills. Listening is a rare art; everybody wants to talk. Everybody wants to show how much they know, “I know”, does that sound familiar? It is the two words we say and hear a lot. You never learn anything new from talking, but you can always learn some thing new and interesting by listening.
Now that we know, why it’s imperative that you try to become a good listener, and if you think you already are a good listener, there’s always scope for improvement and here are a few tips for being a better listener.
This includes internal, as well as external distractions. It is extremely easy to get distracted. There is so much going on around you, and so much going inside you.
Internal Distractions: Our minds are constantly thinking, try not to think of a to-do list, or a bucket list. Instead, try to focus that energy on the person who is talking to you now.
External Distractions: The biggest culprit of all, the cell phone! Put it away. Do not look at any screen. I know that beautiful, shiny object across the room is distracting, and it will still be there when the conversation is over. You can do it!
People should not have to speak super-fast, just so they are able to finish their sentences.
Scenario 1:
You are in the middle of a rant, your thoughts are flowing, you are venting out, expressing yourself and BAM, you are interrupted in the middle. Can you go back to exactly what was going on in your mind before you were interrupted?
Scenario 2:
Something amazing happened in your life, or you had a great idea and you have been dying to share it with a friend, you’re building it up in your head, you’re so excited to tell them and before you are able to finish the whole story, they cut you off.
Imagine yourself in these scenarios, does that sound fun? Think about that next time you feel the urge to say something when someone is talking. Resist the temptation to jump in with a response. They will finish, I promise.
Encourage the person talking to you by letting them know that you want to be a part of the conversation. Effective communication requires at least two people. Talking is not the only method of communication. So, what should you do when you are trying to be a better listener?
Try not to let your personal judgements, beliefs, agendas clog your mind. Open your mind up to the possibility of new ideas. This is a great way to not only learn something new, but also when you listen with an open mind, you are less likely to interrupt.
Yes, it is advisable to ask questions – The appropriate questions at the appropriate time is equally important. Keep the question in mind and wait for a natural pause in the conversation, do not keep interrupting the conversation to ask questions every 5 seconds. Be patient, your turn will come.
There might be a pause because the speaker is just trying to gather his/her thoughts, catching his/her breath, instead of jumping in to fill this natural pause, process what has just been said. This shows that you were not just waiting for your turn to talk but listening intently to what was being said.
Ask questions that will assure the speaker that you are interested in what they are saying. Let the questions be open ended. Instead of asking, “Did that upset you?”, try asking, “How did that make you feel?”
Some people are natural good listeners, for others it does not come naturally. Do not worry if that is you, you are in a majority. However, if that is the case, force yourself to be a better listener. It may be difficult at first, but if you keep forcing your brain to do something, over a period, it becomes a habit.
Please do not ask “How are you”, “How was your day”, and then proceed to talk about yourself before giving them a chance to respond. It’s just rude.
This might sound silly, but sometimes all it takes is a little self-awareness and self-motivation. About to hang out with a friend, a relative, teammates, any other group, when you leave your house, say it to yourself, “Today I will listen more and speak less”. Set this intention, and every day you will find yourself getting a little better at it.
These tips for being a good listener will come easily to you if you genuinely care about what the other person is feeling and saying. Listening is one of the most important skills required for effective communication. Unfortunately, it is also the rarest to find. But the good news is, like all other skills, it can be something you can teach yourself. If you are reading this blog, it is safe to assume, it is a skill that you are trying to improve at. Like I said, self-awareness is step one, you are already moving in the right direction.
Who do you go to when you just want to vent out? You can learn a lot by observing them. Did you find this information useful? Feel free to let me know in the comment section below.
Good Luck and have fun Listening! You will be surprised how interesting people are when you listen to them.
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